Some Thoughts for 2014

This morning, I wrote this post, and then decided not to publish it. I thought it was too long, too strange, and too philosophical for this blog. But just now, I reread what I had written earlier, and I decided to post it anyway. Yeah, it's long, and confusing, and mainly fueled by sugar and sleep deprivation, but I kind of like it. This blog is many things, but at it's heart, it's a place for me to write. A place to write book reviews, and about my writing, and about what I'm thinking. This is the kind of thing I write, and so it belongs here. If anyone actually reads it all the way through and understands my thought process while writing it, I will be duly impressed. :)

Well, it's 2014 now. I went to a very fun party last night where I ate lots of food, talked a lot, played some poker, played a bunch of various card games (spoons, peanut butter, and more), talked books and movies and was generally nerdy, and just generally had fun with the "Usual Suspects." See my last post for more on that if you're confused.

Right now, I'm about to head out to park day to see if any other Bellingham homeschoolers bothered to come out on New Year's Day, but first I thought I'd try to find something to write about here.

I don't know about you, but when I eat too much sugar, and get too little sleep, I tend to get far too thoughtful and reflective. :)

Today, I've been thinking about something a friend said to me last night.  I was telling two friends about a project I'm thinking about taking on, and I was asking them if they were interested in helping at all. I mentioned that I thought maybe one of them could particularly help with a little writing part, and the other friend said to me, "But you're the writer."

While I didn't think anything of that comment in the moment, other than maybe he was right that it was kind of silly for me to ask people to write things for me, later I thought more about it.

The new year is often a time when people think about who they are and who they want to be. Right now, I often feel like I'm in an odd spot. When you're a teenager, you have every possibility open to you. You make choices that will affect you for the rest of your life. Right now, I'm 15 years old. I still have several years before I have to make the big decisions (college, jobs, etc.) that will change the course of my life. But I'm still at a point in my life where I can decide who I want to be, how I want to be seen, and in what direction I want my life to go.

Who you become is something you can change, but it's also a group project. There are a lot of people in my life, both kids and adults, who I think have a hand in that process. When my friend said to me last night, "You're the writer," while he probably didn't mean that much by it, it showed me part of how he sees me. When my friend's mom asked me how late the library was open on Tuesdays, fully expecting me to know the answer, that showed me part of how she sees me.

To make this even more confusing, I've been realizing that while how other people see me is important, there are sides of me that none of them have ever seen. Parts of me that I'm not sure I want them to see. There are parts of me that are unsure if I'm up to being "the writer" or the responsible person other people seem to think of me as.

But I rise to the occasion when I need to. When I need to be responsible for other people, or when I need to rise above my own fears, I can if other people expect it of me. There have been times when I'm not sure if I can keep it up. I have a reputation for being an overachiever, and for being on top of everything, but the reality isn't really always the same as the reputation. Sometime it's hard because I can't keep up with the way people think of me.

Sometimes I realize that I'm caught between who I want to be, and who I am. Where's the balance? Where do I want the balance to be? Is there even a difference?

What I'm trying to say here is that I'm realizing that how these people see me affects the person that I am, and that I have to decide if that's really the person I want to be. I have the ability right now to be anything. Do I want to be the writer? The booklover? The overachiever? Sometimes I'm not really sure.

Right now, I can decide who I want to be. I will always be "the writer." That's a title I'm proud to have. I'm thrilled to be considered a booklover, especially by my friends who are better read than I am. That's just one side of me, but it's a side I'm happy to let people see. I'm happy with who I am, but I'm also happy to think that that person isn't set in stone.

Thanks to my friend, whose comment sparked this post. If you're still reading at this point, you deserve a prize!

A Question from the Comments

Today I am finally answering the question I got over a month ago from Nita in a comment:

I have an 8th grader going to High School soon and I graduated my 16yr old after just 5 months of homeschooling since she was taking college courses. Do you think that taking a class outside the home with other students motivates you more or gives you less time? Is it harder to meet more people when you are homeschooling for high school? My oldest daughter seems a bit misplaced. She doesn't do the same things the kids at the Community College does, but she isn't in typical high school to meet other kids either, do you have this challenge?

 First of all, I'm so sorry it took me so long to answer your question! Now, let's get into the actual question. I'm going to answer it a few parts.

First of all, I think that taking classes outside of the home is very motivating. Having the structure and demands of a traditional class setting can be strange to a homeschooler, but it is a good thing to experience, especially if you plan on going to college. As far as time goes, I find that it all depends on what else you are doing. Typically, when I have done classes outside of the home, those are my priority. Two years ago, I took a Brit Lit class, and a Chemistary class, and the homework I got was always the #1 most important thing. It came before my work at home (history, latin, math, logic), and it came before any free time I had. In general, I would not say that doing classes gives me less time to do other school, or to have fun, I think it requires more planning and time management.

Is it harder to meet people when you are homeschooling for high school? This is a varition on the #1 question most homeschoolers get (What about socialization?), and because of that, I have a bit of a knee jerk reaction to it (as many homeschoolers would, I suspect). I think, though, that while most homeschoolers are not going to be forever outcasts of society because they never had any friends, it is still something that homeschoolers struggle with, and not something to ignore.

My simple answer is yes,  it is harder to meet people. You don't have the built in friends that come with school, but that does not mean that you have to be all alone. What you need to do is more proactive about seeking out friendships. As a rather shy person, this is often hard for me to do. My suggestion is to find some activities with other people. If there is a homeschool group in your area, maybe connect with them. If you like sports, maybe consider joining a local team. I volunteer at the local library, and I have made several good friends through that.

Don't assume that friendships with come to you, but at the same time, don't force it. I suggest finding activites to do, because that way you will be around people who you have things in common with. Even if they go to school, you both love soccer, or chess, or writing, and that can be the common factor you need. At the same time, not everybody is going to be your best friend, so don't assume they will be.

If you are taking classes at a community college, think about joining some clubs. If you like photography, you might find friends in the photography club, or even on the staff of the college newspaper. So, there is my advice. While homeschoolers are not friendless outcasts because of our educational choices, we do sometimes need to do a little more work to get that social interaction.

I know this post is late coming, and its longer then I anticipated, but hopefully some of you find it helpful.

If you have any more questions on this, or any other topic, leave it in the comments, and I'll answer it, even if it takes me a while. Also, if you would like to contact me privatly about homeschooling, or my blog, leave a comments, and let me know you would like to keep it private. I won't publish it, but if you leave an email address, I'll get back to you.

What is Perfection?

I have so many posts that I have promised to write on all sorts of subject, particularly book reviews. I am getting super behind on posting this summer. Unfortunately, I'm not going to get started on that list today, but instead I have some more ramblings. Bear with me, and things will go back to normal after school starts (on September 2nd).

I have a problem. I worry too much. I plan too much. I think too much. Sometimes those are good things, but more often then not, they hold me back. For example, my mom goes back to work in a week, effectively meaning that summer is about over for me. My first reaction is to freak out. I naturally would spend that whole week worrying about how boring and sad things are going to be when she goes back to work, and I have to get up early and spend the days with my dad.

I need to stop doing that. My goal this week is to not worry about that. I want to enjoy every day of summer, and spend time with my mom while she is home all day. When the day comes, and she has to go to work, it will be sad, and it will be hard in lots of ways, but there is no reason to worry about it now.

Another way these tendencies of mine hurt me is my perfectionism. There are many things I am terrified to do because I am afraid I won't be perfect. When I started dancing last September, I was so nervous because I was sure that other students would be better then me, or would learn faster then me. Over the last year of dancing, I have found that I really love it. It's true that I am not the fastest learner in the class. I don't have the best rhythm. But my teacher has told me that my form is great, and that my best quality is my persistence. 

It is still hard sometimes, because I know that most of the other girls remember the choreography better then I do. I know that they will probably perfect the new steps faster then I will. But I also know that once I learn a step or a dance, I will never forget it. If I put in the time, I will learn it, and I will learn it well.

I need to stop worrying about being perfect. Dancing has helped, but I have a long ways to go. The stress I feel when things don't go according to plan is not right. I know that I don't need to have perfect grades, or the best posture, or the best hair, and in a way, I don't even care. But something in me cares so deeply.

I'm working on it. It may take a lifetime, but I've already made the first steps. What is perfection, anyway, and why should I need to attain it?

I hope that was not too boring. :) A little window into my brain!