Some Thoughts for 2014

This morning, I wrote this post, and then decided not to publish it. I thought it was too long, too strange, and too philosophical for this blog. But just now, I reread what I had written earlier, and I decided to post it anyway. Yeah, it's long, and confusing, and mainly fueled by sugar and sleep deprivation, but I kind of like it. This blog is many things, but at it's heart, it's a place for me to write. A place to write book reviews, and about my writing, and about what I'm thinking. This is the kind of thing I write, and so it belongs here. If anyone actually reads it all the way through and understands my thought process while writing it, I will be duly impressed. :)

Well, it's 2014 now. I went to a very fun party last night where I ate lots of food, talked a lot, played some poker, played a bunch of various card games (spoons, peanut butter, and more), talked books and movies and was generally nerdy, and just generally had fun with the "Usual Suspects." See my last post for more on that if you're confused.

Right now, I'm about to head out to park day to see if any other Bellingham homeschoolers bothered to come out on New Year's Day, but first I thought I'd try to find something to write about here.

I don't know about you, but when I eat too much sugar, and get too little sleep, I tend to get far too thoughtful and reflective. :)

Today, I've been thinking about something a friend said to me last night.  I was telling two friends about a project I'm thinking about taking on, and I was asking them if they were interested in helping at all. I mentioned that I thought maybe one of them could particularly help with a little writing part, and the other friend said to me, "But you're the writer."

While I didn't think anything of that comment in the moment, other than maybe he was right that it was kind of silly for me to ask people to write things for me, later I thought more about it.

The new year is often a time when people think about who they are and who they want to be. Right now, I often feel like I'm in an odd spot. When you're a teenager, you have every possibility open to you. You make choices that will affect you for the rest of your life. Right now, I'm 15 years old. I still have several years before I have to make the big decisions (college, jobs, etc.) that will change the course of my life. But I'm still at a point in my life where I can decide who I want to be, how I want to be seen, and in what direction I want my life to go.

Who you become is something you can change, but it's also a group project. There are a lot of people in my life, both kids and adults, who I think have a hand in that process. When my friend said to me last night, "You're the writer," while he probably didn't mean that much by it, it showed me part of how he sees me. When my friend's mom asked me how late the library was open on Tuesdays, fully expecting me to know the answer, that showed me part of how she sees me.

To make this even more confusing, I've been realizing that while how other people see me is important, there are sides of me that none of them have ever seen. Parts of me that I'm not sure I want them to see. There are parts of me that are unsure if I'm up to being "the writer" or the responsible person other people seem to think of me as.

But I rise to the occasion when I need to. When I need to be responsible for other people, or when I need to rise above my own fears, I can if other people expect it of me. There have been times when I'm not sure if I can keep it up. I have a reputation for being an overachiever, and for being on top of everything, but the reality isn't really always the same as the reputation. Sometime it's hard because I can't keep up with the way people think of me.

Sometimes I realize that I'm caught between who I want to be, and who I am. Where's the balance? Where do I want the balance to be? Is there even a difference?

What I'm trying to say here is that I'm realizing that how these people see me affects the person that I am, and that I have to decide if that's really the person I want to be. I have the ability right now to be anything. Do I want to be the writer? The booklover? The overachiever? Sometimes I'm not really sure.

Right now, I can decide who I want to be. I will always be "the writer." That's a title I'm proud to have. I'm thrilled to be considered a booklover, especially by my friends who are better read than I am. That's just one side of me, but it's a side I'm happy to let people see. I'm happy with who I am, but I'm also happy to think that that person isn't set in stone.

Thanks to my friend, whose comment sparked this post. If you're still reading at this point, you deserve a prize!